


Book 0.5: Between the Desire and the Spasm

by LJF



Series: Between the Emotion and the Response [1]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: (Or Something?), All the same tags as the main fic, At Least Azula Thinks So, Azula Has Plans, Azula is a Complex Character, Behind the Scenes, But Azula's Side, But Not to Azula, But Still Technically, Canon Compliant, Casual Abuse, Child Azula (Avatar), Child Zuko (Avatar), Childhood Memories, Crazy Azula (Avatar), Dead People, Dissociation, Does This World Even Have Therapy?, Episode: s02e07 Zuko Alone, Favoritism, Five Stages of Grief, Flashbacks, Gen, Humanizing Azula, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), I Don't Know What You Think So...., I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Iroh (Avatar) is a Good Uncle, Iroh Messed Up, Is That a Panic Attack I See?, It's Going To Be a While Before We Get Those, It's Not Paranoia If They're Really Out To Get You, It's the Something, Jeez Doesn't Anyone Care About This Kid?, Meddling Kids, Mental Health Issues, Mentors, No happy times here, OR IS IT, Origin Story, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Pre-Canon, Prequel, Sad, Sadness, She Just Needs Therapy Or Something, So Complex Even She Doesn't Understand Herself, So Wrong It's Right, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Ursa (Avatar) is Not Exactly a Great Parent, You Have Been Warned, Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck, feelings are hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:16:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26333962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LJF/pseuds/LJF
Summary: Azula wasn'talwayslike this, so cold and heartless. Once she was just a confused little girl,  who cared just a littletoomuch, even if she didn'tfeelthings the same way other people did. Until she had what little emotion thatdidlive in her heartforcedout of it.That's when she startedplanning.(Note: This work is aprequelto "Between the Idea and the Reality." I recommend reading the first couple chapters of that one first.)
Relationships: Azula & Iroh (Avatar), Azula & Lu Ten, Azula & Mai & Ty Lee, Azula & Ozai (Avatar), Azula & Ursa (Avatar), Azula & Zuko (Avatar)
Series: Between the Emotion and the Response [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1905226
Comments: 22
Kudos: 100





	1. Life is Very Long

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kasienda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kasienda/gifts).



> Okay, I may love this story, but trying to write it is _super_ annoying, because it doesn't come to me in a _linear_ fashion. I have like, fifteen or twenty thousand words writen for this series, but they're scattered across several different "books" and range from "basically canon" to "behind the scenes but _could_ be canon-compliant" to "What's canon? We don't have that here."
> 
> This chapter was _especially_ hard. Unlike what's been shown so far in the main fic, it wasn't just "canon but with insight into Azula's brain." I had a general idea of what I wanted to write, but I couldn't get the words right.  
> Thanks to Kasienda, who helped talk me through some especially tricky emotions I was trying to get across.
> 
> But yeah, once I finally figured out where I wanted to go with this, it ended up kind of long, so you guys are getting _two_ flashback chapters, as their own separate work.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Azula learnt about emotions, lies, and betrayal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so fun fact I realized while I was writing this: I'm about 90% certain the term _Agni_ is ONLY used in the Avatar universe in regards to _Agni Kais_ (Or is the plural form _also_ Kai?), literal _firefights_.  
> The fandom, however, took the fact that _Agni_ is an old Sanskrit word that means both _fire_ and the _actual god of fire_ (also, lighting and the sun, apparently), and _ran with it_. It's become ubiquitous in the fandom that of _course_ Agni is the sun god, patron diety of the Fire Nation (and many fics also portray him as Tui's _brother_ ). Once I realized this, I briefly considered removing all mentions of Agni (other than in Agni Kai) from this fic. I decided not to do that, just because they were already there, and I need some sort of spirit or something for Azula to curse by.  
> But hey, the more you know, right?

Princess Azula, it is said, was born lucky.

Her mother labored throughout the night, and gave birth just before dawn, the child's first cries a greeting to Agni's rays on the longest day of the year. When the midwives tried to bathe her, her protesting shrieks caused the flames on the wall to flicker.

"A firebender!" It has never been unheard of for a child to show signs of bending so early, but such things certainly remain _uncommon_.

"She will be a true prodigy," it was said. "Lucky child."

Her father, Prince Ozai, chose her name, in honor of _his_ father, Fire Lord Azulon.

(Behind closed doors, it is whispered that it was done in an attempt to ingratiate himself with the Fire Lord, and that Ozai was hoping to _persuade_ his father to name _him_ heir. But of course, no one would ever _dare_ mention such a thing where the princess might hear.)

(Almost as soon as she could walk, Azula taught herself to sneak around in the shadows, a curious ear pressed to every door. She knows _all_ the rumors.)

* * *

Princess Azula does not remember her aunt. The briefest flashes of _warm-soft_ hands and _bright-happy_ smiles, perhaps, but even those could just as easily belong to some other woman, or even be a figment of Azula's imagination.

The official record says it was an assassination, that someone snuck into the palace gardens one night as she sat by the pond, watching the moon. A single man was quickly caught and executed.

(No one mentions that he was never given a trial.)

(Or that the Crown Princess was a heavy sleeper who'd _never_ had much patience for moon watching.)

(What _is_ common knowledge is that she was expecting her second child at the time. There were whispers (which were _quickly_ silenced) that _someone_ (no one needed to mention who) feared that this child might be a bender, and, as such, a serious candidate for the throne.)

Prince Ozai was, reportedly, visiting Ember Island with his wife and children at the time.

(Azula _does_ have a vague memory of peeking from behind a door, watching her father stand on the sand and burning a letter, whispering what sounds like _It is done._ But, again, that could just be a figment of her imagination.)

* * *

Princess Azula was only two years old when she began her firebending training.

She was _supposed_ to start at age four, like every other firebender.

But _Zuko_ had started his training already, and it was so _boring_ in the nursery when he wasn't around. So, one day, she'd decided to follow him. At first, she'd stayed hidden while she watched him practice with the royal instructors. Azula has always been good at hiding.

Apparently, staying hidden doesn't really work so well when one is also copying moves designed to _set things on fire_.

The instructors sent her back to the nursery. But when Ozai found out, he insisted that if his daughter wanted to start her training now, why should they deny her?

( _But I didn't_ , she knew better than to say. _I just wanted to be like Zuzu._ )

(Dad didn't seem to like Zuko very much, although she hadn't yet figured out why.)

Princess Ursa wasn't _thrilled_ about this new development, but she went along without protest.

Prince Zuko, however, was clearly _not_ happy.

("Lulu, why Zuzu mad I gon' play fire wit him?"

"Boys are silly like that. Sometimes, they just want to do things by themselves, _without_ their little sisters. Or so I've been told."

"Silly Zuzu!")

* * *

Princess Azula was only three or four years old when she started to realize that she was _different_ from other people.

It all began one afternoon when she found Zuko crying in his room.

"Why so sad, Zuzu?" She'd asked, curious.

"Go away, 'Zula," he'd said, not lifting his head from where it was buried in his knees. But he didn't sound angry, the way he normally did when he told her to leave him alone. His voice had a slight hitch.

"You..... okay?" She wasn't sure what that meant, exactly, but she'd heard Mom ask the same question a lot.

"No, I'm _not_ ," Zuko said, and there it was again, that same strange _hitch_ that she couldn't figure out. It wasn't like the hesitation in Mom's voice when she spoke to Dad, a slight tinge of fear coloring her words, or the pauses Dad made whenever his brother was mentioned, which were often paired with a momentary look of annoyance. She inspected his prone form carefully, trying to catalogue this strange behavior, when Mom showed up.

"Azula, why don't you find somewhere else to be?" The woman had quickly shooed her out of the room, closing the door behind them.

"Mom, what's wrong with Zuzu?" Azula still couldn't puzzle this whole situation out.

"Azula, your brother's feelings were hurt and he really doesn't want to be bothered right now," Mom said. "Let's leave him be, okay?"

"Where are they hurt?" Azula was _completely_ bewildered now. "Is there something wrong with them? Is he stuck at sad for some reason? Why?"

"Azula, what kind of question is that?"

Well, clearly Mom wasn't going to be any help here. She often didn't seem to know what to make of Azula's questions. And Dad didn't _like_ questions. Zuko could answer her, sometimes, but he wasn't available right now, obviously. That left one other person.

She walked around the palace for a few minutes, searching, until she finally found the person she was looking for, sitting in the garden.

"Lulu," she said, walking quickly over to the taller figure. (She did _not_ run. Dad had, just the previous week, informed her that "princesses do not run about like common street urchins.")

"What is it, Azula?"

"Mom said Zuko's feelings are hurt, and that's why I have to leave him alone," she explained. "How do _feelings_ get hurt? Did someone break them? Are they stuck? Is there a way to fix it?"

Lulu did not laugh. Other adults sometimes laughed when Azula asked them questions, but Lulu always took her seriously.

"Azula, sometimes you trip and fall, and hurt your leg, right?" Lulu patted a spot on the ground, gesturing for Azula to sit down

"I'm not clumsy!" Azula said, crossing her arms. " _Zuzu_ is the one who falls down a lot."

"Alright," Lulu replied, considering this. "What about when you're practicing your firebending. Do you ever hurt yourself then?"

"Of course not!" Azula insisted. "Only an inferior firebender would be so _stupid_ as to burn themself." (She had to explain these things, sometimes, since Lulu wasn't a firebender and didn't really know how it works.)

"Well, is there any other time you _do_ get hurt?"

"Ummm, welllllll," Azula paused at this, not wanting to concede to any weakness. Finally she admitted, "Sometimes, when someone doesn't realize I'm on the other side, they'll open a door before I can move out of the way, and it'll hit my face or arm or leg and _hurt_."

"Well, just like faces and arms and legs can get hurt by doors, _feelings_ can also get hurt by things."

"What kind of things?" How did feelings get hurt? You couldn't touch them. But she knew that just because something can't be touched doesn't mean it can't be hurt. She remembered one time a servant in the hallway had suddenly started coughing up blood. When Azula had gone to listen at the infirmary doors, she'd heard the royal physician talking about an _internal hemorrhage_. (She hadn't been sure of what _hemorrhage_ meant, but she knew internal meant it was something on the inside of something else.) "Where are feelings, anyway? Are they inside your body?"

"Not exactly, Lala," replied the ever-patient Lulu. "Feelings are.... in your heart, I guess. But they're not _inside_ you the same way your stomach or bones are."

"But then how do they get hurt?" Unclear location of feelings aside, this was the part Azula was stuck on. She'd done her best to _avoid_ getting hurt up until now (although watching _other_ people get hurt because they weren't as _smart_ as she was could be fun). Now that she'd found out there was a _different_ kind of pain she didn't know about, she wanted to find out how to make sure she _didn't_ get hit by it, too.

"Oh, there are lots of different ways," Lulu explained. "But words are the most common cause."

"Words?" Azula asked, trying to put the pieces together. "Like when Grandfather uses words to say that someone is getting punished, and then they _do_ get punished?"

Lulu looked momentarily confused at that.

"No, because that's not really the _words_ that are hurting the person being punished," Lulu tried to explain. "It's the punishment that actually hurts. But sometimes, words can be a punishment all by themselves."

"But _how_?"

"Well, hasn't someone ever said anything that made you sad?"

Azula thought about this. People usually just said things that made her _curious_. Sometimes, she'd get a little angry, like when her instructor wouldn't teach her the higher level katas because he claimed they'd be too hard for her, but _sad_?

"No, I don't think so," Azula said. Lulu gaped at her. "Is that bad?"

"No, not bad, exactly," Lulu said. "You're still really young, so there's a lot of things you haven't experienced yet. You should just know that sometimes, there are certain words that can make people sad or upset, and when that happens, we say that they 'hurt their feelings.' Does that make sense?"

"I guess." Azula shrugged. "I'm going to go see if Zuzu's feelings stopped hurting so he can come play with me."

She ran off without bothering to say goodbye.

After that, Azula started paying even more attention to the people around her. She noticed that the weird 'hurt-feelings' thing tended to happen to everyone, but Zuko in particular.

He would get especially sad whenever Dad expressed _disappointment_ in his behavior or training. She wasn't entirely sure _why_ , though. Dad didn't care what _Zuko_ thought about him (he didn't really care about what anyone except Grandfather thought, apparently), so why did Zuko care so much about what _Dad_ thought?

She knew that when she tripped or pushed people, it hurt, but now she started wondering if she could hurt them with _words_ , too.

Azula didn't do things without careful consideration, though, so she sat on that idea for several months, watching and listening, before she actually _did_ anything about it.

"Zuzu," she said one day, walking into his room, "I heard Mom and Dad talking, and Dad said you might as well just give up on firebending, because you'll obviously never be as good as me."

"What?" Zuko seemed momentarily confused, until he actually processed what she'd said. Then his eyes looked sad and downcast. _It worked!_ "Do you think he meant it?"

"I dunno, he seemed pretty serious," she said, studying her fingernails in a carefully practiced motion that she knew meant _It doesn't really matter to me_. "Maybe you should think about trying some other type of fighting. What about swords?"

This time, instead of getting sad, Zuko looked intrigued.

"Maybe I should! I might be better at that than firebending, you never know," he says. Now he was actually getting _excited_.

 _Why's he so excited over stupid swords?_ Maybe it was another _boy_ thing-- she'd have to ask Lulu about that one later. _Whatever, this is boring._

That night, when Zuko announced over dinner that he wanted to quit firebending and learn how to use swords, Dad slapped him.

"No child of mine is going to _give up_ on firebending," He shouted. "Do you want to end up like your cousin Lu Ten?"

Zuko confronted her about it the next day.

"'Zula, you said Dad _wanted_ me to quit firebending," he said.

"Oh, that," Azula replied. "I lied." Lying is allowed, she knew. Adults lie all the time. Dad lied when he said _My children are my pride and joy._ Mom lied when she said _I don't have a favorite child._ Grandfather lied when he said _the Fire Lord must treat his people as if they were his own children._ The servants would lie about all sorts of things.

(Lulu didn't lie. Ever.)

"Mom!" Zuko ran to complain to their mother, who insisted Azula _apologize for this behavior immediately, young lady._

(Mom never looked at her quite the same, after that.)

(Zuko, on the other hand, seemed to forget about the incident entirely. However, he _did_ retain an interest in swords. And if Azula occasionally slipped some scrolls on sword forms she'd found in the library into his room, no one ever knew.)

* * *

Princess Azula was five years old when she began attending the Royal Fire Academy for Girls. Most of the other girls were _boring_ , but there were a couple who stood out to her. The first was Mai-- her parents, Ukano and Lady Michi, were politically influential and had a lot of power. The other, Ty Lee, didn't _look_ like much, but Azula could sense that there was something _special_ about the cheerful and agile girl.

The three of them weren't friends, exactly, but they sat together during lunch and spent time at each other's homes and talked a lot. (Well, Ty Lee talked while Mai looked bored and Azula paid careful attention to what was and _wasn't_ being said.)

But the more time Azula spent around girls her own age, the more she saw how _different_ she was. She didn't _feel_ things like other people did. Sure, she had things she liked and disliked, and she was curious a lot, and she occasionally got angry, and watching other people get hurt was always _interesting,_ but she was never really happy or sad tthe way she saw other people were. (Even Mai-- the girl might _pretend_ she didn't care about anything, but Azula could tell that she really did.)

There was something _wrong_ with her, but she didn't know _what_. So she went to the only person she could trust to tell her the truth.

"Lulu? Am I broken?"

"Broken? What do you mean, Lala?" Lulu looked shocked at the question.

"Because my _feelings_ don't get hurt. Because Dad was excited when I made blue flames last week, but I didn't really care," Azula explained. "Because I don't understand things other people seem to take for granted, and I ask weird questions. Because I'm not _normal_."

Lulu thought about this, rather than giving her some trite excuse. Azula appreciated that.

"No, Azula, you're not broken," said the older nonbender. "You may be different, but so am I. No two people are the same-- if they were, the world would be pretty boring, right?"

"I guess," Azula said, shrugging. "But I'm _more_ different. That's bad, right?"

"No, not bad," Lulu said. "Our differences aren't inherently good or bad, they're _tools_. Only _you_ get to decide what to do with them."

"But I don't _want_ to be different," Azula said, feeling tears of frustration pool in her eyes. "If I were _normal_ , things would make _sense_."

"Is that what you think?" Lulu was actually _laughing_. "Oh, Azula, _everyone_ has things they don't understand."

"Really?" Azula thought about this for a while.

She thought about Zuko, struggling with his firebending, and not realizing that Dad would _never_ like him, because he's too much like Mom and Uncle.

She thought about Dad, always trying to curry favor with Grandfather, not realizing that the old man knew _exactly_ what he was doing.

She thought about the various nobles hanging around the palace, and all the political machinations in place.

And she thought about how _she_ could see _all_ of that.

"Lulu," she said after a time, "There's all this stuff I _don't_ understand, but then there's other things I _do_ understand, that normal people _don't_."

"It's a balance, little Lala," Lulu explained. "No two people are the same, and no two people have the same skill set, but everyone has _something_. Hopefully, you'll live a long life and meet all sorts of people with all sorts of strengths _and_ weaknesses."

Azula smiled at that.

* * *

Princess Azula was six years old when she came to the conclusion that she _hated_ Royal Caldera City, and, for that matter, the entire Capital. She couldn't put her finger on what, exactly it was that bothered her so much-- whether it was the stuck-up nobles or the constant scheming or the way it sometimes seemed as though the walls were closing in on her.

(It likely had something to do with the fact that she'd realized that Dad-- that _Prince Ozai_ was willing to sacrifice anything and anyone at the altar of his own ambitions. Right now, he thought of her as his little pet, biddable and willing to be manipulated (because that's what she _wanted_ him to think), but if he ever realized just _how_ intelligent she was and came to think of her as a threat, she'd be dead, no question. She would never be truly safe here.)

She decided that someday, somehow, she would get _out_ of this horrible place, although she didn't yet have a plan for _after_ her escape.

No matter, she had time.

* * *

Princess Azula was seven years old when the only person she truly trusted _left_.

"You're _leaving_? But you can't go!" Azula's heart felt strange, as though a hand was clamping down on it and _squeezing_.

"I'm a soldier, Lala," Lulu said, reaching down to wipe a tear from her face. "This siege is a _big_ deal. We both knew there was a chance I would be called to the front."

"But Lulu," she said, more tears falling. She couldn't understand what was happening to her. Sure, she'd cried before (only ever in front of Lulu), but this felt _different_ somehow.

"It's alright, Azula," Lulu said, hugging her. (Normally, she'd protest, but she didn't, this time.) "Don't be sad."

 _Sad? Is this what_ sadness _feels like?_ It hurt. She could feel it in her heart and in her stomach and in her legs and _oh_ was this what other people felt like _all the time_?

"Don't go, Lulu," she begged, tears streaming down her face. _Don't leave me here alone._

"I'll be back," Lulu said. " _I promise._ "

Lulu _never_ lied.

* * *

Princess Azula was eight years old when she received one of the most ill-suited gifts of her life.

Sure, she and Uncle had never been close, but she'd thought he at least knew her better than _that_.

He sent _Zuko_ a dagger. The perfect choice, her brother's always _loved_ blades.

But Azula ended up with a _doll_. What on _Earth_ did the old fool expect her to do with a _pretty little dolly?_

 _A general_ that _oblivious is bound to get killed off before long._

"If Uncle doesn't make it back from war, then Dad will be next in line for Fire Lord, wouldn't he?" Lu Ten might make a good ruler, and, normally, he'd have been next in line after his father. However, nonbenders _cannot_ rule, and, since he hadn't had any kids yet, no one knew if _they'd_ be benders and, therefore, eligible for the throne.

Which meant that if both Grandfather and Uncle died, Dad would be next.

Mom and Zuko didn't seem to understand _why_ she was asking. Instead, they acted like she'd committed some unpardonable sin by stating the obvious.

She noticed a servant watching them. One of her father's spies, she knew, and he'd be reporting this conversation. Mom and Zuko might be stupid enough to think of the conversation as _typical Azula strangeness_ , but there was always a chance Dad might suspect something.

So, she said the most childish thing she could think of.

"I still think _our_ dad would be a _much_ better Fire Lord than His Royal Tea-Loving Kookiness." It's not a lie, not really. Ozai was, according to the current standard of what made a good Fire Lord, much better suited for the position than his brother. (Though some absolutely _ancient_ and _definitely treasonous_ scrolls she'd found in the old catacombs suggested something else entirely.)

And burning the doll _did_ feel good.

* * *

Princess Azula was nine years old when she learnt that _everyone_ lies.

She was playing in the garden with her brother when the letter came.

"Straight from the warfront," she heard the messenger say to Mom.

_Is it over yet? Is Lulu going to come home now? It's been nearly two years already!_

But when Mom called them over, Azula felt a heavy sensation in the pit of her stomach at the older woman's somber expression.

She hung back and twisted her arms as she watched a tear trickle down her mother's face.

"Iroh has lost his son," Princess Ursa said. "Your cousin Lu Ten did not survive the battle."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dialogue from the show quoted from [Season 2, Episode 7: "Zuko Alone."](https://avatar.fandom.com/wiki/Transcript:Zuko_Alone)
> 
> Okay, so Lu Ten gets _zero_ actual screen time, which means everything we know about him comes from other people. Most fics seem to think that he and Zuko had a close relationship, but no one knows for sure.  
> And I'm just like, "didn't _anyone_ in this family actually _care_ about Azula?" So instead you guys got some Lu Ten & Azula bonding. Until he died. #SorryNotSorry


	2. Waking Alone (Is it Like This)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Lu Ten's passing, things started _changing_ around the palace, and Azula finally came up with a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, the second and final part of this prequel. Surprise, it's a week early! I _really_ like how this turned out and was super-excited to share it, so it seemed like such a shame to have it sit all neat and formatted for another week.  
> I have not yet decided whether I'll be getting back to our regularly scheduled updates of "Between the Idea and the Reality," or taking a short, one week hiatus, so the next chapter of that one will either be up in one week or two. I _do_ have that work outlined, with a clear idea of how many chapters there will be and what will happen in each. Hopefully, it will be completed by the end of October.
> 
> FYI on Azula's birthday: I decided it's actually on the _winter_ solstice. The Fire Nation has lands in both the northern and southern hemispheres-- in the Southern hemisphere, the Winter Solstice is the longest day, in the North, it's the Summer Solstice. And the Captial city, if my reading of the world map is correct, is _right on the equator_ where _every_ day is the _exact same length_. Therefore, I decided that all the Fire Nation territories in the North celebrate the longest day in the summer, the ones in the South, in the winter, and the Capital city celebrates _both_.

Princess Azula, it is said, is brave, fierce, and indomitable.

But one night, when she was nine years old, she woke up shaking. Her whole body was shivering, and she felt as though there was something _crawling beneath her skin_. It didn't hurt, but it didn't feel very pleasant, either. She rolled around, scratching and kicking, but the sensation didn't lessen. She stood up, wrapping a blanket around herself and crossing her arms to press her biceps onto her chest.

 _That feels a little better._ Her skin still felt tingly and uncomfortable, but she wasn't _shaking_ anymore. _What is happening to me_ _?_

She couldn't go to her parents-- Dad would be annoyed at being woken up, and Mom didn't need _yet another_ reason to think there was something _wrong_ with her only daughter.

Zuko was a possibility, but the odds that her _dumb-dumb_ of a brother might actually have a clue what was going on was absurd.

 _Lulu it is, then._ She'd almost reached her door when she remembered that her cousin was still off fighting in Ba Sing Se.

 _And not even as an officer, as befitting of his station, but as a common foot soldier._ But Lu Ten didn't really _have_ a station. _Stupid political nonsense._ Azula had never made the mistake of assuming that a lack of bending meant a lack of power. After all, Mai and Ty Lee weren't benders, and either one of them would make a formidable opponent.

Unfortunately, Grandfather and _centuries of tradition, blablabla_ didn't agree. _I wonder if the Earth Kingdom or Water Tribes also have such_ stupid _laws._ She knew the Southern Water Tribe, at least, _couldn't_ , since their last waterbender had been killed just last year.

She'd gotten so distracted by that train of thought, it took her awhile to notice that the _weird_ feeling was gone. She crawled back into bed and closed her eyes.

_Oh, right_ , she recalled as she drifted off to sleep. _Lulu's dead._

* * *

Zuko had _cried_ when Mom gave them the news.

 _Why is Zuzu crying?_ Azula had wondered. _He's not exactly close to Lulu.....but, then again, neither is Mom, and she's also crying._ Perhaps crying was just what people did when a family member died? She didn't know, she'd have to ask Lulu about that one, but she couldn't because he was _gone_.

Azula did _not_ cry. Not that day, and not any of the days after. Mother and Zuko thought her cold, but that was nothing new. She would've cried, since it seemed to be the thing to do, but she didn't know _how_. She hadn't cried since the day Lulu had told her he was _leaving_. And she couldn't recall ever crying around someone who _wasn't_ her cousin. It was as though he'd taken her tears _with_ him.

( _What a strange thought. I wonder if I'll ever get them back._ But that was mere idle curiosity, rather than actual interest. She wasn't interested in much of anything these days. It had been _ages_ since the last time she'd asked a question. There wasn't much point; no one except Lu Ten ( _and, on occasion, Zuko_ ) ever gave her a straight answer.)

In any case, she'd have expected to feel _something_ about the news, perhaps more of that strange sensation Lu Ten had told her was sadness. But she didn't.

Maybe it was because nothing had really _changed_. Lulu's leaving had changed her entire life. He'd likely already been dead for weeks, anyway, so nothing really changed now, just because she _knew_ he was dead. The sun still rose in the morning and set in the evening, and Mom still didn't understand her, and Zuko was still a pathetic excuse for a firebender, and Dad was still _plotting_.

 _Uncle Iroh must be_ really _angry at the Earth Kingdom for killing his son, though. I bet_ that _will give him enough motivation to finally_ end _this stupid siege._

But that's not what happened.

_What kind of General is he?!_ Her uncle was a _disgrace_ on the house of the Fire Lord! (The same one she didn't actually care about and was planning on escaping from at the first real opportunity, but it was the _principle_ of the matter!) Ba Sing Se had taken his son! He should be raging, furious! He should be burning the walled city to the ground, not giving up like a coward!

_Never give up without a fight, isn't that what you said? So fight!_

None of those thoughts showed on her face, though. She crept out of the room, making sure none of the adults noticed that she'd been hiding in the shadows in the first place, and went to go tell Zuko the news.

He was playing with that _stupid, lying_ knife, and she sat and watched for a while. She had no desire to be accidentally stabbed with the thing, so she waited, until he'd fallen down, play-acting dead.

 _Is that what Lulu looked like when he died?_ Azula had never actually _seen_ anyone die, but she doubted Zuzu had, either, so he was really just guessing.

"You waste all your time playing with knives," she said, "You're not even good!"

Zuko didn't bother looking surprised that she'd snuck in without him noticing, just got mad at the insult.

(She'd never tell him, but he was a halfway decent sneak himself. He wasn't _nearly_ as good as she was, of course, but, then again, neither was anyone else.)

He listenened as she told him about Uncle's upcoming return, then became downright _offended_ at her analysis of the loser's behavior.

"How do you know what he should do?" Zuzu said "He's probably just sad his only kid is gone. Forever."

 _The time for sadness is later,_ after _he's gotten his revenge!_ But apparently Zuko didn't think that way. If it was _sadness_ that was causing Uncle to act so _weak_ , the stupid feeling was even more debilitating than she'd thought.

Before she could argue back, Mom showed up.

 _An audience with Grandfather? Already? Bold move._ She'd known Dad would be putting in his bid for the throne, but they'd only _just_ found out Uncle was coming home. _I suppose he hopes the old man will be so outraged at Uncle's cowardice, he'll just hand over the title._ He won't, she knows-- she's studied the history of the Fire Lords, and no second son has ever gotten on the throne by _asking_ for it. _Which means Grandfather will likely be dead within the weak._

"Fire Lord Azulon ... can't you just call him 'Grandfather'?" Azula told Mom. "He's not exactly the powerful Fire Lord he used to be. Someone will probably end up taking his place soon." She was _trying_ to warn her mother. _You'll probably be the Royal Consort before long. You ought to prepare._

Mom, predictably, didn't understand.

"What is wrong with that child?" Azula heard her mutter. _What else is new?_ It didn't surprise her that that was all her mother thought of her. _It amazes me she's lasted this long in the Court without learning how to read subtext._

Dad wanted to show them off to Grandfather before he made his request. _See, look, I have healthy heirs and Iroh doesn't._ Really, their father was _so_ predictable. _Grandfather is old, but he's not_ stupid _. All this posturing will_ not _impress him._ The older she got, the more she realized that Dad wasn't _nearly_ as smart as he thought he was. _I still can't afford to underestimate him, though._

He quizzed them in front of the Fire Lord, trying to show how _smart_ they were. _Pathetic._ Zuko, though..... how did he not _know_ this stuff? _History is_ important _, dumb-dumb! You'll never survive around here until you figure out how we_ got _to this place in the first place._

She moved through her kata flawlessly, as expected. _This is boring. They'll never talk about anything interesting as long as we're here._ She needed Dad or Grandfather to send them away, _and the quickest way to do that...._

One little taunt to Zuko, followed by a pathetic display of his firebending, and they were quickly shooed away.

(Zuko wasn't really _that_ bad at bending. He just got nervous way too easily. When he didn't know anyone was watching, he could perform the kata _almost_ as well as her.)

( _Seriously, Mom? You coddle him far too much. That's part of the problem._ )

At the last minute, she decided to drag Zuko behind the curtains with her. _This affects him, too._

The conversation between the prince and Fire Lord went about as expected, though there was one surprise.

_'Who knows when Uncle will return?' I thought he was on his way home?_

Zuzu, predictably, got scared and ran off halfway through.

Azula, however, stayed, and heard _everything._

_What?!_

She tried to warn the dumb-dumb. _Really_ , she did. But apparently, he was so used to her lies, he couldn't tell when she was telling the truth. _An unforeseen consequence._ She recalled reading some old fable with the same premise, but she hadn't thought much of it at the time.

Mom dragged her off and demanded the whole story. Reluctantly ( _because Mom has no subtlety at all, she's more likely to just make things worse_ ), Azula told her _part_ of the story.

_Dad insulted Uncle, so Grandfather said Dad has to kill Zuko and suffer the same pain as his brother._

Mom, surprisingly enough, was actually _helpful_. Azula listened from behind the door as the princess explained her plan to her husband. Dad, of course, agreed. _After all, this gets him everything he wants. Grandfather dead, himself as Fire Lord, and Mom out of the way so he doesn't have to worry about her doing the same to him._

In the pre-dawn hours of the morning, Azula quietly crept behind her mother and watched the woman enter Zuko's room to say goodbye.

"Everything I've done, I've done to protect you." To protect _Zuko_. Because _he_ was the favorite. It didn't matter how hard Azula tried, she'd never be good enough for Mom, because she wasn't Zuko. She wasn't _normal_.

_'Lulu, am I broken?'_

_'No, Azula.'_

_I guess that makes it_ twice _that Lu Ten lied to me._

( _'_ _I'll be back, I_ promise _.'_ )

Mom didn't come to Azula's room.

(She doesn't know why she took the dagger. She's never even _liked_ blades. She just.... wanted to take _something_ from him.)

Everything happened very quickly after that.

No one questioned Azulon's unusual 'dying wish,' or the fact that the new _Crown Prince_ insisted on foregoing the traditional week-long mourning period in favor of being crowned right then and there at the funeral.

_How tacky._

She felt a tremor of fear slice through her as Dad-- as _Father_ rose up as Fire Lord.

("Just so you know, we shouldn't call him 'Dad' anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because, dumb-dumb, he's going to be the Fire Lord. You can't just call the _Fire Lord_ 'Dad.'"

"You can't?"

"Of course not! Did you ever hear him or Uncle call _Grandfather_ 'Dad?' We have to call him 'Father' now. Understand?")

_I have to get out of here. As soon as I possibly can._

* * *

Princess Azula was nearly ten years old when she finally figured it out.

She needed to get _away_ from the palace, from the Caldera, from the Capital, and possibly even from the Fire Nation itself.

If that were all, she could probably have snuck out one night, leaving Father none the wiser. Stowed away on a merchant boat headed for the colonies, and stared a new life.

But it's _not_. She's a _princess_. She's a _firebender._ Her father _would_ come after her (if only because one of his heirs _running away_ will probably hurt his reputation), she had few practical skills, and she couldn't bear living in hiding forever.

 _I need my_ own _kingdom._

She needed to go somewhere beyond the Fire Lord's reach, somewhere she wouldn't have to hide, somewhere she'd be treated like the royalty she _is_.

She thought of a vast wall, so strong even a six-hundred day siege couldn't topple it completely. Of the cousin she'll never see again. Of the uncle left so broken he _ran away_.

She smiled.

_I have to capture Ba Sing Se._

_I'll see you soon, Lulu._

It's not as simple as all that, of course. She had to figure out a way to take down the city. More importantly, she had to find a way to survive long enough to actually _get_ there.

 _I need to convince Father to_ let _me go._

But how?

 _I need him to give me some other mission, something he can only trust_ me _for. Something he'll_ believe _I'm frittering my time on while I'm busy traversing the Earth Kingdom towards the so-called Impenetrable City._

Not yet, though. She was only nine, there was no way he'd send her _anywhere_ now.

_I have time._

And in the meanwhile, she'd need her father to believe her his most trusted and loyal servant.

_Whatever it takes._

* * *

Princess Azula was eleven years old when her brother did something _incredibly_ stupid.

She was hiding in the war room (not behind the tapestries in the back, though, you couldn't see _anything_ from there) when she saw him come in with Uncle.

 _What are you doing, dumb-dumb? If you wanted to watch, you should have snuck in with me!_ She'd never stop him from _that_. He had as much right (read: _none_ ) to be here as she did. Instead, he'd marched in like he _belonged_ , putting himself directly under Father's scrutiny.

 _This will end badly. Agni preserve me from foolish brothers._ There was nothing to be done about it now. The only thing she could do was hide and _watch_.

Disaster struck, as she'd expected.

 _Bujing is an_ idiot. Not only would the Earth Kingdom most certainly be _expecting_ a sneak attack, but if word spread about what they'd done, the citizens would _not_ be pleased, soldiers would be less willing to join the army _willingly_ , and they'd be out far too many soldiers who might _one day_ be useful to the Fire Nation.

Father knew all that, too, and odds were he _would_ have rejected the plan-- if Zuko hadn't protested first.

_Zuzu, you soft-hearted fool._

She watched closely as the Fire Lord ordered her brother to fight in an Agni Kai.

Zuko didn't understand, but she _did_.

She understood everything, and realized that this just _might_ be her chance.

_I'll have to handle this carefully._

Zuko, of course, tried to surrender. Ozai probably would have killed him, but murdering your heir as he bows before you on his hands and knees in front of a _huge_ audience is generally frowned upon.

She smiled as he held his hand to Zuko's face.

_Now!_

The plan was simple. She had one of _her_ spies hint that banishment would be a suitable punishment for the prince's cowardice. Perhaps give him some impossible task to focus his energies on.

Uncle would go with him, of course, which would remove _two_ of the Fire Lord's most irritating annoyances.

Zuko would be sent off on his quest ( _capturing the Avatar, who hasn't been seen in over a hundred years, good one_ ) where he'd likely spend time traveling around the Earth Kingdom.

Her brother was impossibly soft. Between his own horrific punishment and seeing what the war was doing to their enemies, it shouldn't be long before he decided to turn traitor.

And who better to deal with a traitorous royal than a loyal one?

* * *

Princess Azula was twelve years old when Mai and Ty Lee left.

Ty Lee left first, running off to join the circus. ( _Really, the circus? You could do so much better._ )

Mai wasn't long after. Her mother had just had a baby, and the knife-wielder had clearly hoped the pressure her parents put on her would lessen now that they had a _male_ heir. If they did, Azula didn't know about it-- Ukano was transferred to a position in the colonies, and off they went.

Azula didn't miss them, any more than she missed Zuko, or her mother.

( _Or Lu Ten._ )

She did, however, decide to pick them up when she left for Ba Sing Se. They were useful allies.

(She trusted them. As much as she _could_ trust anyone, at least.)

* * *

Princess Azula was thirteen years old when she realized this plan might be _a lot_ trickier than she'd originally thought.

It had been over two years since Zuko had been sent on his fool's errand, and he _still_ hadn't turned traitor. She'd heard from her spies that he spent most of his time on his boat, travelling around ruins and desolate wastelands.

 _He's actually_ looking _for the Avatar._ Which made everything infinitely more complicated. _Really, Zuzu?_

And then the Avatar reappeared from whatever Agni-forsaken rock he'd been hiding under for the last century.

_Hmmmm...... this isn't exactly what I planned, but it could still work._

After all, what were the odds the dumb-dumb would _actually_ be able to capture him?

* * *

Princess Azula was fourteen years old when _she_ did something incredibly stupid.

Well, she wasn't technically fourteen _yet_.

It was the eve of the solstice, and she'd been desperate to get out of the _stifling_ Caldera. So she'd snuck out of the palace, stolen some peasant clothes, and headed for the poorer side of the capital.

It was certainly...... an experience. Nothing _at all_ like what she'd imagined. All in all, she considered the entire thing an abject failure-- in more ways than one.

 _Well, happy birthday to me_ , she thought, back at the palace, as she burnt her stolen garments and washed the blood and sweat from her skin in the dawning light of day.

A few days later, she heard the news that Zuko had actually _violated the terms of his banishment._

 _Oh, brother, don't you know only_ peasants _give their sisters birthday gifts?_

Everything was coming together.

Two months later, she was on her way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dialogue from the show quoted from [Season 2, Episode 7: "Zuko Alone."](https://avatar.fandom.com/wiki/Transcript:Zuko_Alone)
> 
> People tend to interpret Azula's behavior in "Zuko Alone" as "she obviously didn't care about Lu Ten's death," but I feel like it's more complicated than that. We don't really see her _immediate_ reaction to the news, but look at how she talks to Zuko about Iroh's decision to give up: "A real general would stay and burn Ba Sing Se to the ground" sounds like the sort of thing she's just parroting after hearing it from others, but there's a flicker of _real_ emotion there. She's not talking about Iroh as a general, she's talking about Iroh as a _father_. In Azula's world, sadness is secondary to swift vengeance-- from her perspective, Iroh _failed_ by losing himself in his grief rather than quickly _"burning Ba Sing Se to the ground"_ \-- ie, _taking revenge on his son's killers._
> 
> Consider the facts. She hasn't seen Lu Ten in nearly two years, and she didn't even see a body. She likely doesn't really have any experience with death of someone close to her, so death is more of an abstract concept than anything solid and real. All she really understands is that it means he's not going to be around, but, again, he hasn't really been around in ages. So she's really stuck in a sort of endless loop of denial and anger-- she's kind of numb and unwilling to really accept or understand what his death _means_ , and she's got a lot of stewing resetment towards everyone and everything that led up to his death and/or aren't doing anything _about_ it. But, and I need to establish this as a _defining_ characteristic of this whole series, **while Azula is _great_ at identifying the emotions of others, she's not exactly super in touch with her _own_.**
> 
> BTW, Azula _definitely_ has a nervous laughter (or, at least, nervous smile) problem. Showing fear is a sign of _weakness_ , and presenting a strong front is important.  
>    
> On an unrelated note, at some point in between Ozai's bid for the throne and Zuko's disastrous war meeting, the fire siblings switched from called him "Dad" to "Father." I know that might just be part of growing up (the way a lot of people shift from calling their parents "Mommy and Daddy" to "Mom and Dad" at some point), but I wanted to give it some more depth (for the angst, of course).
> 
> Also, about Azula's plans..... anyone notice how, in the show, Azula _totally_ goes off-plan practically from the get go? Like, Ozai sent her to the Earth Kingdom with instructions to _capture Zuko and Iroh_ , and what does she do? Makes _one_ half-hearted attempt to capture them before she has them declared as traitors to the Fire nation. Which will _definitely_ send them into hiding, making them even _harder_ to find. Then she just decides to _completely ignore her orders_ in favor of chasing the Avatar. And even _that_ she only does for a handful of episodes before _changing plans again_ to spearhead an attack on Ba Sing Se. (It's only for the sake of plot convenience that she _happens_ to get there on _the exact same day_ Aang and co do.) Then when _that_ fails, it seems like she wanders around for a little while before stumbling across Appa and the Kyoshi warriors, who she then attacks for _basically no reason_. And then once she _has_ these girls she just goes _back_ to Ba Sing Se, _completely ignoring both Zuko and Aang_ in favor of staging a coup against the Earth Kingdom. (And again, it seems as though plot convinience is the only real reason why _both_ of her targets just _happen_ to be hanging out in the same city she is.) (Where, instead of _capturing_ Zuko, which, again, was what her father _explictly ordered her to do_ , she _recruits_ him.)  
> Gee, it's almost like capturing Ba Sing Se was her _real_ goal _the entire time_. Wonder why?  
> (And as for why she left once she had it? We'll get there, my friends, just be patient, we'll get there.)  
> Originally, I figured she just wanted the city because, after the failed seige, she figured it was the safest place in the world to get away from the Fire Nation. But once I realized what sort of relationship she had with Lu Ten, it gave her choice even more depth: The city took something from her, so she wanted to take something _back_.  
>    
> (Don't worry, we'll get back to Azula's disastrous fourteenth birthday _eventually_. Not for a while, though, just warning you.)
> 
> (And yes, I totally stole that whole "rushed funeral/cremation followed by a quick crowning instead of a traditional seven day-mourning period" from The Dragon Prince. Ozai's not _nearly_ as well-intentioned as Viren, though.)

**Author's Note:**

> Important announcement to all parents (or future parents): You have to work with the children you _have_. They may not be what you were expecting, they may be so different from you that you have no idea how to relate to them, but that _doesn't matter._ If you are not prepared to love your children unequivocally, no matter _what_ sort of temperment they have, _you have no business being a parent._ Capisce?
> 
> And on Lu Ten:  
> First off, I've seen a lot of fics and headcanons that suggest that Lu Ten was _actually_ killed by assassins sent by Ozai, _disguised_ as enemy soldiers. While I totally agree that that sounds like something Ozai _would_ do, for the purposes of this series, (as you'll see in chapter 2) I needed Lu Ten's death to be purely as a casualty of war, rather than in any targeted attack.  
> But I still wanted to show that side of Ozai early on, so I was like "Why not have him assassinate Lu Ten's mom, instead?" Azula's smart enough to have guessed that he probably _did_ do that, so she knows he's ruthless enough to kill anyone in his way, even a pregnant woman.  
> But why _wouldn't_ he target Lu Ten? Because Lu Ten isn't in the line of succession. This is actually stated _in_ the show, if you read between the lines. Azula says (before Lu Ten's death) that if Iroh dies, Ozai's next in line. Normally, if the oldest child is first in line and they die, _their_ oldest child would be next, and Azula's too smart to forget that. Which means either the creators' messed up, the Fire Nation's succession policy is "oldest decendant of the current ruler" (which is odd), or Lu Ten _isn't in line for the throne._ This would also explain why it seems like Lu Ten was a regular soldier rather than a commanding officer like Iroh-- what kind of country puts the Crown Prince's heir out on the front lines?  
> But why was Lu Ten not in line? Occam's Razor says that he was _either_ an illegitimate child (which would be an interesting alternate interpretation of why we never see a wife for Iroh) (but then it's unlikely he would be acknowledged to the point that they actually call him cousin), disowned like Zuko (which obviously didn't happen), or missing some other important quality necessary for the throne.  
> And what quality would likely be necessary for the heir to the throne of the Fire Nation? Firebending.  
> Ergo, Lu Ten must have been a nonbender. (Although the "Earthbender Lu Ten who faked his own death and is now living a quiet life in Ba Sing Se" AU I've been seeing around lately is definitely a cool idea. Don't think I'm going to use in this series though. (But you never know.))
> 
> Hit me up on [tumblr](https://ljf613.tumblr.com/)!


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